So, how do you have sex? Do you plan it out thoughtfully and intentionally? Do you let a moment strike you and allow yourself to be completely moved by your desire? Do you draw attention to your body in a way that makes you (and your partner(s)) feel sexy? Do you prefer to be in a darkened room where you and your partner(s) can’t see one another? (And why or why not?) Maybe you like to be vocal during sex, talking, uttering various sounds, and just generally making your good time known. Perhaps you take a quieter approach when you have sex.
Have you ever thought about the way you approach the idea of sex, itself- how you think about it? The way you approach yourself as a sexual being?
Take some time to think about it now. Think about the feelings and sensations that you experience when you imagine sex. Are you picturing a particular act? Are you engaged in the act, watching it happen, or is it happening to you?
Now, more specifically, focus on what you believe about yourself as you imagine sex. Are you feeling confident? Sexy? Insecure? Knowledgeable? Foolish?
How we feel and what we believe about ourselves intimately informs our sexual behavior. While this might not be revelatory for some of you, this correlation runs much deeper than “not feeling sexy” after you’ve had a tough day or when you’re dissatisfied with your body.
Do you hold the belief that it takes you too long to orgasm? Or that you aren’t sexy? Or that you aren’t sexually knowledgeable enough?
Think about the sexual beliefs about yourself that you hold. What are they? Why do you believe them? And when do you remember first believing this about yourself? To what experience is this attached?
Every day, I see clients who say things like, “I’ve just never known what I’m doing when it comes to sex; I have no idea what I’m doing,” or “I can just tell that something is wrong with me because I rarely have an orgasm when I’m having sex.”
Eventually, my clients begin to change their thinking. They realize that they don’t orgasm because they have certain needs of which they weren’t aware (or that they knew and hadn’t communicated to their partner(s)). They usually find that, once they express their sexual needs, and those needs begin to feel met, they orgasm just fine. Those who believed they were sexually inept, learn that they simply had to take the time to learn about what pleases them and their partner(s). These clients found that they weren’t as clumsy as they believed; they just didn’t have enough of the puzzle pieces to see the picture clearly.
It is ok to speak up about your sexual needs. In fact, it’s more than ok- speaking up about what works for you (and what doesn’t) is ideal for a positive, satisfying sexual experience!
Challenge the current sexual beliefs you hold about yourself. Be curious about their origin and meaning. You might begin to find sexual fulfillment that you had never imagined. Enjoy it.
Love and Be Loved,