You Can Never Get Enough of What You Don’t Really Need

You Can Never Get Enough of What You Don’t Really Need

“You can never get enough of what you don’t really need to make you happy.”

(Eric Hoffer; longshoreman, philosopher)

 

I’ve felt it. You’ve felt it; that compulsion to eat more, drink more, buy more, acquire more, make more money, set our sights on bigger ticket items. There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to drive a car we like or liking what we put on our backs or aiming to make enough money to live in a place we really enjoy. The problem comes with the meaning we make of all this stuff. And what we hope our stuff means about us.

We all have the same basic need for safety, clean water, food, and shelter. And we all have the same need for love, joy, belonging, freedom, and a sense of purpose. While these are more secondary needs, they’re still pretty basic to our life’s happiness. Once our most basic needs are met, we have the capacity to focus on our secondary needs.

Many of us run into trouble here. It’s easy to see how it happens. Love, joy, belonging, freedom, purpose- all of these things can seem so elusive. What does any of it even mean? And how do we… get ourselves to feel any of it, to be any of it?

We want to feel confidence in ourselves, in our abilities, so we buy expensive jeans or bags or shoes. They make us look the part. It gives us the shot in the arm we’re looking for, so we do it again. We want to feel loved, that we belong so, we use the buzzwords, buy the luxury cars, and redecorate the house. We send our kids to the schools and preschools we think they should go to so that they can belong, too. Some of us aim to buy yachts and become billionaires. Some of us aim to have the “perfect beach body.”

Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting our children to attend good schools or aspiring to see how our bodies could look and feel at maximum fitness or wanting to buy that pair of jeans because we know just how glorious our butts look in them. The problem lies in the meaning we make; that if we can swing this stuff it means we’re lovable, joyful, free, we belong, and that we have purpose.

We end up buying a lifestyle and never really living our lives. We keep searching for ways to meet our needs, so we look for more- more clothes, more treats, a bigger house, a fancier car, more vacations. We feel lost, so we get more. We feel more lost than ever so we turn up our acquisitions frequency all the way up and, you guessed it, get even more stuff.

Those of us who have grown up in or experienced deprivation of basic and secondary needs at some point probably feel even more confusion as we try to navigate our relationships with these symbols. To some of us, it might even have felt like acquiring the next thing, the best thing, more things was a matter of survival.

It won’t shut itself off over night. It won’t shut itself off at all. We have to be the ones to turn the dial back down. It’s a slow and often painful process. But the alternative is profoundly more painful.

I recommend starting at square one. Just notice. Notice when you feel the urge to acquire something or more of something. You won’t always notice right away. That’s ok. Keep plugging away at it.

Then stop. Don’t buy it, eat it, drink it, whatever. Just stop.

Ask yourself:

Do I need it?

How will this enrich my life?

Is buying (eating, drinking, ingesting, acquiring, keeping) this item in direct integrity with my values?

The more we ask ourselves these questions, the more thoughtful we allow ourselves to be about the way we live our lives. We can start to make the critical shift from collecting society’s symbols of love, joy, belonging, purpose, and freedom to actually experiencing these things firsthand. We can live deliberate lives.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie       

What You Need to Know About Happiness

What You Need to Know About Happiness

It’s nothing new that there are a many goods and services that communicate how flawed we are, how we are not ok as we are. It’s part of what drives the market. Seriously, there is so much of this stuff available to us that there is no way I could make an exhaustive list here. We hear and see it so much that we start to believe and feel it. “I’m not as good of a parent because my kid doesn’t have four different kinds of carriers (at minimum) and the newest multicolored toys which promote brain development.” “I don’t have a good body because I don’t have a thigh gap or a shelf-butt.” The examples of this are pretty limitless. We have creams, clothes, pills, places to live, jobs, vacation destinations, ways to look, ways to feel, technologic devices, cars, food… an innumerable amount of things that are thrown at us to let us know that we are not complete until we have them in our possession. Heck, not only are we incomplete (and missing out), we aren’t as good as the other humans who are already using these products.

What a trap. We are not ok, not enough until we are surrounded by all of these things… but by the time we start to feel like we’re gaining some ground, more products have come out or have been improved, and we’re right back where we started. And maybe we’re even worse off. Maybe now that we have all of these dependencies on our things, we’ve taken a few steps back. Dismal.

I am not imploring you to give up everything but the clothes on your back and live an utterly minimalist lifestyle. I like creature comforts, too. I have favorite clothes and favorite coffee and favorite devices and favorite places, too. I am not asking you to give any of this up. I am advocating that you change your thinking about what these things mean about you and your life. Change the meaning you’ve made of them. Make some space for you to be ok as you are.

What does this look like? It starts with changing your thinking. Sometimes this feels especially challenging the more dependent you have become on these goods and services. When you employ the various products packaged as happiness in a cup, it’s harder to respect your thoughts, your innate ability to create your happiness. It’s not just you. It happens to most of us at some point. “Obviously, it’s true that this product will make me a better, happier person. How dumb would I be to think that I could be just as happy (or happier) without it?” Don’t worry too much about it; you just think what you’ve been trained to think. Being consistent about changing your thinking is exactly what will help you readjust this part of the thought pattern.

A pretty critical part of the problem is that we want an easy solution to happiness. It’s two-fold. We think we need these products to make us better… and, once we get said product, we just wait for the transition to happen! Acquire this thing and all of your dreams will come true. Just being around it will make you better, happier. Honestly, that would be awesome. But here it comes…

We have work for it. We have to take an active role in our happiness because feelings and perceptions of experiences are produced inside of us. The good news? If the solution is inside of us, no one can break it or steal it or create a new and improved version. So, sure, it takes some work, but it’s worth it. (Also, it’s super light and travels well.)

So, start taking those baby steps toward changing your thinking. Ask yourself what you’re seeking. Is it confidence? A sense of belonging? A sense of purpose? Increased self-worth? What thoughts get in your way to connecting with it? When do you notice these thoughts? Making these connections harnesses your awareness. When you’re more aware of your process, it’s less overwhelming and more in your control. When it’s more in your control, you feel more confident about your ability to meet your needs.

So, the next time someone doesn’t text you back right away, and you start to freak out and freaking out makes you want to reach for something, stop. Ask yourself these questions. And it’s ok if you still end up reaching for that product. Just this step is a step in the direction you’ve been trying to go.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie