Exploring Insecurity

Exploring Insecurity

The other day a friend and I walked our dogs together. On our walk, we shared new things that had been going on for each of us. We meandered through various topics. Eventually, the conversation found it’s way to the subject of relationships, what is important to us in relationship, and where we feel we struggle in relationship.

We both agreed that we felt good about the work we put into our relationships. And we both agreed that our relationships had taken a lot of work.

The two of us talked about ups and downs we’ve faced in certain relationships, length of time spent in these relationships, and relationships as they related to developmental periods in our lives. We found many constants that were present through our relationships, but the shared constant we found was how much we trusted ourselves and how that impacted our relationships. The less we trusted ourselves, the less we knew and understood ourselves, the less effective we were at managing challenging aspects of our relationships.

For days afterward, I thought about our conversation and wondered how many other people had similar thoughts to themselves or conversations with others. In my office, I talk with people every day who want to improve their relationships, decrease certain behaviors, and increase others. Much of what we talk about has a common thread about trust as it relates to self and others.

I started thinking about how the different ways in which we benefit from trusting ourselves. When we trust ourselves we feel less anxious and more confident, we feel more comfortable with confrontation and conflict, it’s easier for us to legitimize our feelings, and we experience less dependence on external validation. We are much more resilient and connected to our courage when we trust ourselves.

That was a helpful realization. But then I realized that I thought I trusted myself for years. I wasn’t always aware that I often mistook my defensiveness and criticism of others for self-trust. Part of that was developmental. Part of it was fear. Essentially, I found it hard to trust myself because… I didn’t trust myself.

So, how can you increase your self-trust (especially, when you find it hard to trust yourself!)? Start by being curious. You’ll probably find that as you access curiosity about yourself and your experience, you will feel some amount of judgment. That’s ok. Be curious about the judgment or criticism, too. It doesn’t usually disappear right away; instead of getting lost in the judgments or trying to avoid them, be curious about them. You have them for a reason so, let’s see what you can learn from them.

Be especially curious about times you feel defensive, critical (of yourself or others), contemptuous, empathic, and patient. What’s happening for you that you feel_______? What do you want to do or say? What do you actually do or say? What’s it like to respond or not respond in this particular way? What stops you from doing or saying what you want to do or say?

When it’s difficult for us to trust ourselves, we don’t always do or say or act the way we want. As we learn to trust ourselves, we live in a more authentic way, which helps to deepen our connection to ourselves and our loved ones.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Take Control of Your Insecurity

Take Control of Your Insecurity

I have some questions for you about humor. Just think about them. How much do you notice yourself laughing throughout the day? How easily does laughter come to you? How often do you think you’re able to see the humor in situations?

I’m talking about genuine humor- not sarcasm, sardonicism, or cynicism. Sure, these approaches might make you feel witty and powerful during times when you’d rather avoid feeling vulnerable, but they require you to be pretty critical which often comes from a place of contempt. It can be difficult to benefit from the positive effects of humor when you’re using it contemptuously. There are plenty of ways to use humor in a nondefensive way.

One of the curative properties in humor is its aptitude for finding the humanity in conflict, whether it’s between you and another person, a group of people, or between you and an event. Have you ever noticed that? A joke or some other kind of levity can diffuse tension, bridge a divide, and restore compassion. When you’re using it with regard, humor is an incredibly reparative tool.

Now think about this; how often are you able to laugh at yourself? It’s great to be able to find the humor in what someone else says or does, but what about in what you say or do? What about your mistakes, perceived shortcomings, or faults? Some people find the ability to laugh at themselves elusive. They’d rather their faults go undetected and, when noticed, defend them with some amount of hostility. Usually, this promotes an increased sense of discomfort as it widens the divide in conflict.

When you allow yourself to laugh at your missteps, you immediately begin to draw your brain out of aggression, defensive anger and depending on the situation, sadness. You tap into your resilience and resource. This encourages you to be more patient, clear-headed, and less frustrated. When you are resourced, you feel more curious about your own and others’ experiences, and you are better able to connect to empathy. You are driven to strengthen the connection to another person or yourself.

Finding the humor in your mistakes takes some pressure off and gives you a little bit of breathing room. In that space you create, you’re more aware of yourself, of your choices. You can see yourself and your situation more objectively. You have less need to defend yourself because you start to see that your vulnerabilities don’t make you worthless or terrible; they make you human. You don’t need to defend yourself for being human.

So, the next time you find yourself approaching an argument (or in one), feeling defensive about something, or in conflict give yourself a chance to practice this exercise. See what kind of levity can be found in your situation. Maybe you’ll be in conflict with your partner about sharing household responsibilities. Maybe it will be during a time when you are trying to prove a point about something, and you get your facts wrong. Maybe you’ll find yourself engaged in a heated conversation with a family member about who is doing more for whom. Whatever it is, take a minute to find the humor and get some perspective. You’ll feel more appreciation for yourself and your loved ones.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie