Showing all posts by Natalie Mills

The Politics of Sexuality and Confidence in Women

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The Politics of Sexuality and Confidence in Women

Do any of you remember Britney Spears? When she first made her debut at the end of the 1990s, she was about 16 years old and sported both a schoolgirl’s uniform and basketball outfit with her hair in pigtails. Many of her facial gestures expressed dramatic, wide-eyed curiosity and a genius mixture of innocent and seductive smiles. Both the lyrics to Britney’s songs and choreography included heavy sexual innuendo. The nature of this sexuality sent a subtle message to her younger fans (and, perhaps, less aware fans) that she was not as much in charge of her sexuality as much as she found herself the subject of sexualization by others.  Britney’s fan based ranged from tween girls and boys to adult men. Britney was beloved by the Pop music community and deemed “Princess of Pop.”

None of this, in itself, is abhorrent, but wait until I describe Britney’s reception as she grew into herself.

Eventually, Britney traded her pigtails for full, voluminous hair and began to dress in shorter and tighter outfits. Her choreography became obviously sexual, and her song lyrics had less innuendo and much more clear, sexual content. Britney’s tween fans and their parents began protesting her new presentation, reporting that she was setting a “bad example” for young girls. The same die-hard fans who once praised her at every turn now persecuted her.

So, what happened? What was the unforgivable change?

Here it is (I gave a little hint in the first paragraph.); Britney went from seemingly disconnected from her sexuality (and sexualized by others) to in charge of her sexuality and connected to it. What’s worse, she seemed to be enjoying it! (The nerve.) It was ok for the artist to be sexualized as long as she wasn’t in charge of it (with a lack of awareness, to boot), as long as it was happening to her in fact, it’s part of what made her worthy of praise. However, the more Britney took control of her sexual power the more she was seen as an abomination. Hm. The more this woman consented to her sexuality, the more it was seen as a transgressive act.

This is not the first time this kind of sexuality shaming has been thrust onto a female artist (Whitney Houston) and, surely (unfortunately), it will not be the last. Good news (not really), the same sexuality shaming happens to women and girls who aren’t in the public eye. Our community is pretty sure that it’s far more admirable to have sex happen to a woman instead of with her; more fetching is a woman who is powerless in her sexuality than a woman who enjoys it.

Perhaps, instead of perpetuating this dangerous message, “a woman’s virtue= sex happens to you; women taking ownership of their sexuality=slut=the worst thing ever” we should question why we are so vehemently attached to it in the first place and question what it is doing to and for the health of our community members. With slut shaming, sexuality shaming, and bullying dangerously interwoven into the lives of both adults and children, this is most definitely a message in favor of violence, not health and safety for our community.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Cultivating Emotional Connectedness in Your Relationships

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Cultivating Emotional Connectedness in Your Relationships

How often do you find yourself thinking, “We’re just not as close as I wish we were,”? You might have this wish about any relationship, a partner, a friend, a family member.  When you don’t feel as connected as you’d like to be to someone you love, it can feel destabilizing and incredibly dissatisfying. If you’ve had this particular conversation with said loved one, expressing your desire to be more connected and you’re still not experiencing the closeness you desire, it can begin to feel hopeless.

Sometimes the two of you can have conversations about this that feel helpful. It allows you to feel that you’re working together to shift this, to deepen the relationship. Other times, you feel as though your conversations go nowhere and you’re on your own. You’re both dissatisfied with the level of emotional connectedness, but it feels as though the other member of your relationship is unwilling to put in the work.

Whichever less-than-ideal situation you find yourself, there are things you can do to empower yourself which will help you to take active steps toward cultivating the emotional connected you seek.

An important place to start is by showing up for yourself. Showing up for yourself allows you to feel self-supporting, nurtured, and in touch with your resilience. This might look different for each person, but there are some basics. Taking care of your health is an essential target that many people miss. Balancing the time you need for sleep, exercise, work, and play doesn’t always feel like a choice. It helps if you look at how you choose to spend your days. Whether you are going to school, pursuing a dream of starting your own business, or working two or three jobs. Ask yourself if this is your choice. If it’s not then the next question you might want to ask yourself is “why am I doing this?” If you answered, “because I have to,” take some time to check in with yourself about why. Most of us have more choices than immediately occur to us. Showing up for yourself also looks like employing thoughtful and nonreactive self-advocacy when you don’t like the way you are being spoken to or treated. You can show up for yourself by being protective of your time and ensuring that you provide down time for yourself. Showing up for yourself also means not taking on more in a relationship than you what you genuinely feel comfortable. This means emotional, financial, household, and any other type of responsibility. When you show up for yourself you are less likely to martyr yourself in relationship, more likely to show up fully for others, and less likely to experience feelings of resentment.

A second strength you can exercise to cultivate emotional connection is finding compassionate curiosity in yourself about the other person. Why does this person do what they do, say what they say, react the way they react? What is their experience in their relationship with you? You’ll notice that I put the words “compassionate” and curiosity” right next to one another. This curiosity is something that will benefit you and your quest the more genuine it is so, be sure to practice it freely and often. Ask your loved one how they experienced what you’ve just said that’s gotten them so upset. Allow yourself to be open to their feelings. This isn’t the time to defend yourself; you want to know why they’re upset, not how you can get yourself off the hook. I get that it can be difficult to feel compassionately curious about anything when you’re arguing with someone or engaged in an escalating conversation. Try it out when you are feeling calm or only mildly irritated. When you allow yourself to be genuinely and compassionately curious about someone you love the conversation can become about understanding and less about arguing and yelling over one another.

Another great way to work toward emotional connectedness is by exercising active listening. (This can also be used while you are compassionately curious!) When you are actively listening to someone with whom you are trying to build your emotional connection, you are not seeking convenient places to jump in to argue your case, set up your next defense, or find inconsistencies in their statements. You are trying to find out how they are feeling, what they are thinking, what their experience is, and what has caused them to think, feel, and experience these things. How can you find out this valuable information when you are preparing what you’re doing to say next? (The answer is: you cannot.) You want this person to hear you, right? They want you to hear them, too. Start by slowing down these interactions and give them your full attention. It will catch on.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Respecting the Value of Porn

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Respecting the Value of Porn

As a sex-positive therapist, many clients seek my help for concerns they have about their sexuality, looking for guidance as they navigate sexual and or intimate relationships, and supportive treatment for symptoms related to the sexual trauma they have experienced. They often have many questions about normalcy and fear of the unknown. Overall, I see a common thread of emotion woven into many of these concerns: shame. So many people feel ashamed of their desires, feelings, and experiences. A common subject broached by clients is porn and their shame around watching and enjoying it. (There are other subjects which I will address in later posts.)

Overall, women who view porn are often seen as depraved sex fiends and antifeminist, in addition to myriad other misguided opinions. Men who view porn are seen as typical misogynist cads…  So we don’t talk about watching porn. And we don’t talk about enjoying it. Porn is so feared and detested that we, as porn viewers, fear what it might mean about ourselves to watch and enjoy it. We are encouraged to hate the parts of ourselves which derive pleasure from it.

If we did feel safe enough to have an open dialogue with one another about the value of porn, what might we say?

Some of us might say that porn has helped us to connect with our authentic sexuality for the first time. Where previously we had experienced discomfort, fear, shame, or a combination of any of these feelings when accessing our sexuality at anything deeper than surface level, porn has served for some of us to explore this part of ourselves in a safe, nonjudgmental space. Porn has gifted curiosity about ourselves, what we like (and what we don’t), what we want, what we want to try, ways of expressing desire, and what might make us feel desired.

Others might say that they find value in queer or feminist porn, that they like to see people who look like them enjoying their authentic sexuality. These members of our community might say that it’s refreshing and empowering to watch scenes in which they are represented and to which they can relate, scenes that inspire them.

Maybe some of us would share that watching porn has enriched our sexual relationship with our partners. We might have experienced a lull or predictable sex, maybe disconnected sex, and much of it unsatisfying. As we explored the world of porn with our partner(s), we realized things they wanted that they didn’t feel comfortable revealing before. We noticed more ease in talking about the sex we were (and weren’t) having with one another and the sex that we wanted. We began to feel more connected to one another and less afraid of talking about what we want, less afraid of the awareness of what we want.

Such incredible connection and growth are happening for people watching porn, and we are discouraged form sharing it with one another. We are experiencing a wonderful, life-affirming treasure, and yet we are told that it’s toxic garbage.

Let’s stop playing along. We can show the others what they’re missing, those who don’t watch porn and those who pretend they don’t. We can show them there’s nothing to fear and everything to gain by sharing the valuable experiences we have had thanks to porn. Who else is with me?

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

 

Increase Your Sex Work Awareness

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Increase Your Sex Work Awareness

Think for a minute about what you do for a living. Does it currently satisfy you? Are you good at it? When you experience a bad day at work, who do you talk to about it and what kind of support do you get?

Imagine your current situation as it is now and think about what it would be like if your friends and family disapproved of how you make your living, judged you for it, even pathologized you for it. Imagine how it would feel to have people try to rescue you from your job, save you from its perils and yourself because they knew that you were a paralyzed victim who couldn’t help themselves, who had probably been abused so, of course, it makes perfect sense that this is what your job is… Think about what it might feel like to have a bad day at your job and talk to someone about it only to hear, “Well, of course you had a bad day. Look what you do for a living. What did you expect?”

What if you couldn’t tell anyone about your bad (or good) days at work because your support network had made it clear that they didn’t want to hear about it? With whom would you share your experience and what would it feel like to experience such a lack of support?

One way to find out what this might be like is to listen to the stories of many sex workers. They’ll be able to give you insight into what it’s like to experience the shaming, stigma, blaming, isolation, and ultimate devaluing that comes with their jobs.

Almost immediately, when people hear the words “sex work” or “sex worker” they often imagine a woman or girl who is being forcibly managed and mistreated by a man or a group of people, abused and victimized. Sometimes they imagine that this girl has probably had an abusive childhood, and that is what has driven her to sex work. There’s a cultural (mis)understanding that women don’t like sex and they certainly don’t like it enough to turn it into a career, at least not one that they enjoy and in which they take pride.

It’s pretty hard for people to generate a clear picture of an empowered sex worker who does this work because she loves it, who isn’t being coerced, who is authentically connected to her power, enjoying the work she does. There are a lot of reasons for this. It’s a tough conflict for many people to imagine a woman really enjoying sex in the first place and so, selling sex of her volition blows peoples’ minds; they resolve it however they can (ie: she was abused, and she’s just repeating unhealthy cycles! she’s being forced into it!), because it’s just that unfathomable.

We’re still operating under the assumptions that a) women don’t *really* like sex b) if you’re a woman, and you do like sex, the more sex you have and enjoy, the more it is indicated that your character must be terrible and c) if you sell sexual services you must either be sick, and people should feel sorry for you and rescue you, or you must be dangerous, and people should avoid you. These assumptions have incredibly dangerous indications not only for sex workers but all of us. (More to come on this!)

“But sex work is dangerous!!” Yes, it can be dangerous. It is not inherently dangerous, however, just because it is sex work. Sex work can be dangerous because of what I just described. Sex work can be potentially dangerous because of the shame we infuse into sex, into women who are sexual, into ourselves for wanting sex and the kinds of sex we want (or don’t want). Sex workers are harmed and killed, not because of the job they’re in, but because of the stigma we’ve attached to it and because we offer these providers no protection against and no recourse for sustained abuse. Shame and stigma are a breeding ground for violence.

We’ve just navigated our way backwards through what some people consider to be controversial content. You did great!

 

Love and Be Loved,

Natalie

Your Relationship Can Survive Infidelity

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Your Relationship Can Survive Infidelity

Most members of romantic relationships have a list of negotiables and nonnegotiables, things about which they wouldn’t mind compromising and things that are relationship-ending deal-breakers. Some people don’t know what theirs are right off the top of their heads, and others have had this list for years. Take a minute to think of what some of your nonnegotiables are in a romantic relationship.

The most common item at the top of these lists is infidelity. I’ve had a lot of clients who are pretty sure that there’s no way their relationship can or will survive infidelity. The one who was cheated on fears that it will happen again, that they can never regain what they feel they’ve lost, and that they’ll be a fool if they stay. The one who cheated feels like they must forever repent and feels as if they are no longer entitled to their feelings about what has happened in the relationship, and each member feels incredibly disconnected from the other. It takes hard work by willing and committed participants, but, by no means, does infidelity have to mean ending your relationship.

Cheating is often a symptom of a relationship that hasn’t been getting what it needs for a fair amount of time. Some people will read this and misunderstand that to mean, “Hey, they weren’t getting what they needed from you, so they went looking for it somewhere else.” This is not what I am saying. I’m talking about everyone in the relationship, all sides.

Every member of a relationship has needs. We bring our different communication styles, ways of showing and receiving love, histories, and insecurities in with us. At the intersection of where we make space and balance for each of these for every member is where the relationship is. And it’s usually at this intersection where people run into trouble. It can be easy to fall into a routine and stop taking time for one another. Sometimes we don’t appreciate each other as much. Maybe someone in the relationship feels burdened by their role(s) and doesn’t know how to express it. At some point, you were genuinely expressing yourselves, but for whatever reason, that doesn’t feel like an option anymore. Time passes, and these issues get worse. You still love one another, but you don’t know how to address any of this, and it feels pretty hopeless. You’re carrying a lot of resentment, you’re tired, frustrated, and you’re afraid that this is what your relationship is going to look like from now on.

People use cheating as a band-aid for their pain for many reasons. Sometimes it serves to abate loneliness. Sometimes it helps them to recapture a part of themselves they feel they’re losing, or they fear won’t be accepted by their current partner(s). Many people look to infidelity because they fear that, to address dissatisfaction in their relationship, could be to end the relationship. They see it as a way to stabilize themselves in a significant relationship that they don’t want to lose.

The most common reaction to an affair is the one who didn’t cheat to begin harsh punishment for the one who cheated. This is an understandable impulse, but disturbing to the healing process since it implies that the next step is the one who cheated to win back the grace of the other. But both of you are injured parties here. Both of you have been suffering, and both of you are in pain. It doesn’t help either of you to move through this if you punish this person. It will not make you feel better. Likewise, if you are the one who cheated, it will not make it any better if you throw yourself at the mercy of the other. You don’t have to ignore your anger and hurt, and you don’t have to ignore your guilt, but you don’t have to act them out, either.

Common terms used to identify who’s who in episodes of infidelity are “offending party” and “injured party,” but when something like this happens in a relationship, I consider every member to be an injured party. It’s clear that everyone has been suffering long before the affair.

It’s important to explore what happened before, what lead to this so that you can stop living in pain, rebuild trust, regain connection, and make your relationship as healthy and satisfying as you want it to be.

If you have questions about this or would like to set up an appointment, please call me at
(415) 794-5243 or go to my Contact Me page. I look forward to working with you.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Sluts, Sex, and Sabotage

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Sluts, Sex, and Sabotage

“What a slut- could she be any more desperate? She’s just trying to get attention. And look what she’s wearing!”

Statements like this are uttered by both men and women about women, but right now, I’m more concerned with focusing on women who talk about one another this way.

Our larger community has come to agree that a slut is someone, most often a woman, who enjoys sex more than she should, is overtly sexual, and who exercises her impetus to realize her sexual desire. Women criticize and judge other women who don’t suppress their sexual drive and behavior. We are encouraged to disavow our authentic wishes to be sexual. In fact, we are praised if we are powerless (or at least ambivalent) in our sexuality, and this is incredibly destructive.

We have the messages of historical sexuality that still influences us- puritan sex, sex between one man and one woman for the purpose of procreation. And then there are the messages about sex in the media today. This is an incredibly difficult intersection to navigate.

Here’s the short of it:

Female sexuality is considered acceptable if a woman is in a relationship; she is encouraged to please her partner (love sex), but she runs into trouble when she seeks sex outside of a relationship (lust sex). It’s fine for her to have her needs, though not necessary, as long as they are the right kind of needs- the kind that make her partner feel affirmed. She is discouraged from expressing her needs in a way that might make her seem a) too sexually aggressive or b) too difficult for her partner to please. The message to women is this; cast off your sexual needs and learn how to negotiate the needs of others. Don’t be too sexy, but please no, don’t be frigid and closed off, either. Follow this advice and you will be a respectable woman.

…but do we want respect if we have to pay for it with our authenticity? And why do so many women experience the impulse to glance knowingly at one another when a member of their cohort walks by in clothes that express a part of her sexuality if we’re all under this microscope? (What exactly is the knowledge being shared with those glances, anyway?)

Part of what’s happening for women is fear, fear of expressing the parts of themselves that they have been told are shameful or “too much.” That in itself can be tough to overcome. When someone has believed that a core aspect of herself is bad for a significant part of her life, even when she wants to access and express it, the insecurity of navigating and realizing this can be painful. Many women fear that they won’t express themselves the “right way.”

Some women resent one another for their ability to take the risk and express their sexuality in a way that feels healthy for them. This resentment is born of the fear I just described, anger that they, themselves, don’t feel capable of taking this action, and hope that they can govern their sexuality the way they want to instead of they way they’ve been directed. This hope keeps their authentic sexuality from straying too far so that they are, in some way, always connected to it.

If we experiment with allowing ourselves to be curious about our sexual needs and desires, without pressuring ourselves to avoid nor move toward them, we can give ourselves space to get to know that part of ourselves. As we increase our self-knowledge, our capacity for connection in relationship will improve. The idea is to first share our desires with ourselves (because sometimes it’s a secret), and then with those close to us. We become less isolated. We become stronger, and we begin to lose that urge to act like crabs in a bucket, keeping one another down. For some women, this will be a longer journey than for others. For all, powerful, safe, balanced, healthy, authentic sexual experiences will be worth it.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Conflict and Connection in Familial Relationships

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Conflict and Connection in Familial Relationships

As clients have come through my door, I’ve noticed that there are some things we as humans take for granted. These things tend to fluctuate from group to group and cohort to cohort, but there is one pervasive idea, seemingly present in all groups, woven deeply into relationships. It’s the one that causes adult children and their parents to be surprised when, looking at their parents/children, this thought crosses their minds, “I don’t know you…” and the feelings that follow.

If you’re lucky, this thought does creep into your consciousness every so often, instead of lingering on the fringe of awareness or deep in the inaccessible regions of your unconscious. I’m sure you can imagine that it’s much more challenging to deal with things that cause you pain when it feels like you can hardly identify what it is that’s causing the pain. It’s not all that complicated; people feel better when they know what’s bothering them, address it, and find what works for them to resolve it.

Now that you’re ok with painful thoughts being present in your consciousness (Woah, that was fast. You just cut your time needed for therapy right in half!), let’s focus on this particular thought, the one that can make parents and their adult children feel like they’re preparing for war when they reunite for holidays, the one that makes one (or both) members of the group(s) avoid phone calls and take an extra long time to return them, the one that makes a visit between the two groups feel obligatory and not warm or enjoyable, the one that makes us feel like familiar enemies and strangers, at best.

Nearly everyone I see comes to me because there is a relationship that they want to change in some way, have a better understanding or strengthen; almost all have reported a wish to realign themselves with their parent(s) at some point, but aren’t able to experience it. This is usually because we tend to have a long chain of memories and events from the past that accompanies these relationships and our feelings and reactions to these events and memories. For some of you reading this, you might feel that there is something you have to do or say (to yourself or your loved one(s)), some action that must take place before you can practice this exercise. Only you know what you need to allow yourself to practice this so, trust yourself.

 

Most often in my posts, I have multi-step processes. You’ll find that in this post I have a single step:

 

  1. Experiment with letting go of needing to set the record straight.

 

This takes a) a lot of patience b) a strong commitment to change your relationship c) compassion for both yourself and your loved one, and d) trust in yourself. The process allows both sides to stop trying to force the other to see either version of what happened (since you can’t force anyone into or out of their experience of something); it stops the relationship from playing an inauthentic win/lose game. Whether you are the parent or the adult child, if you start to reveal yourself for who you have become instead of who you used to be (or who you think you used to be), you will find yourself in a more curious and connected place to one another. You will make enough space in the relationship to move away from blame, resentment, needing to be right, enough to both see your loved one and be seen by your loved one. Sometimes this will happen quickly, sometimes slowly. Sometimes your loved one might not be able to reciprocate in a positive way at all. While you cannot control what the other chooses to do or acknowledge, you can continue to be a reflection of your authenticity.

To some of you, this might sound a little backward, “Shouldn’t we come to an understanding about the past before we’re able to forge ahead?” For some people (and many reasons), it isn’t possible. Others of you might be a little skeptical at the thought of letting anyone off the hook. It isn’t that. It’s just making room for a different part of the relationship that didn’t have enough room to breathe until now. When you can begin to see and appreciate one another for who you have become, you will be more open to hearing one another’s past experiences of one another as you will have strengthened the connection between one another.

Find the willingness within you to set aside the story by which you have lived. The idea that “He/She/They don’t want to have a relationship with me,” is rarely true. Most often we just don’t know how. We experience a lot of pain within the relationship, and we stop trying. Either side tells themselves that “If he/she/they loved me he/she/they would find a way to make the relationship work,” and either side is right. Or wrong, depending on how you see it.

Maybe part of your story is that your parent(s) judged you more critically than your siblings and you felt you were never accepted nor understood. (And maybe your parent(s) experienced themselves as pushing you toward the success of which they knew you were capable, and they don’t have a clear understanding of why you’re unhappy with them.) Maybe your story is that you did everything you thought was right for your kid, worked long hours to be a good provider, sent them to good schools, and s/he is decidedly unhappy and suffering. (And maybe your kid’s story is that you were not present in her/his life because you were always working and when you came home from work, you constantly pushed homework.) Neither side is wrong, but each lived experience is completely different. Letting go of the need to set the record straight, just for a while, can increase greater understanding of the other, start to answer questions like, “why can’t we ever get along” and “who are you” because it allows us to begin to see our loved one through a different lens… and see them.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

You Can Have Better Sex and More Intimacy

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You Can Have Better Sex and More Intimacy

What’s the difference between sex and intimacy? Sex is a behavior that, when broken down, includes the relationship we have with our sexuality and the way we express it. It includes flirting, foreplay, methods for attracting desired partners, different stages of arousal, and acts. There are emotional, cognitive, biological, behavioral, and sociological implications of sex and how we choose to express our sexuality.

Intimacy is a very close familiarity one shares with others. Most of us share intimate relationships with friends, family, and or partners. When we have intimacy in relationship we share our desires, dreams, feel safer exposing our flaws, and allow ourselves to be more vulnerable n that relationship. We allow ourselves to be seen more fully than our relationships in which we experience less intimacy or our more peripheral relationships.

Often, when we share intimacy with someone, our sexual relationship with that person improves. Likewise, when we have a quality sexual relationship with someone, we experience a higher level of intimacy with our partners. As both of these aspects of our relationship improve, we experience a bolstered bond that we find more nourishing, satisfying, and reliable.

Many of the clients I see, both couples and individuals, tell me that they are experiencing less intimacy in their relationship than they find satisfactory and or that their sexual relationship isn’t what they want it to be. Some feel hopeless because they feel they’ve tried everything, and nothing seems to be working. Others dread sharing their level of dissatisfaction with their partner out of a multitude of fears. The most common fears I hear are related to fear of rejection- that their partner will judge them, experience their requests as needy, too kinky for their comfort level, or hear these requests as some judgment.

When these problems show themselves in our relationships, it’s easy to remain quiet about or needs due to these fears. We become frustrated, resentful, and hopeless that our relationship will ever change. In a desperate effort to counteract their genuine desire, some people begin to look outside the relationship in various ways to treat these symptoms or completely cut themselves off from them. Many of my clients come in telling me that they think these aspects of a relationship should come easily and naturally and are confused about why they’re experiencing these problems in the first place. I reassure them that the presence of these problems does not translate into a doomed relationship, a lifetime of bad sex, or a connection capable of stunted intimacy; relationships, sex, and intimacy are not unlike many of the things we want in our lives. They take commitment both, to ourselves and our authenticity, hard work, and risk. And it’s worth the investment.

People who take the plunge and begin to explore their need for better sex and intimacy (both with themselves and with their partners) find a deepened confidence in themselves, in their relationship, and in the rest of their lives. Stick around to find out how and why.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

How to Build Strong Young Women (Part IV)

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How to Build Strong Young Women (Part IV)

We want our young women to feel confident that they can hold any career they choose, perform at any level they choose and do what most inspires them. We watch for their skills and talents and hope for them to develop into something that these young women can use to find a means of executing whatever they understand their purpose in life to be. Our hope is that they will develop interest and passion, that they will feel that these interests and passions are available to them, and pursue them.

A solid way to encourage their interest and to help our young women feel that what interests them and what they’re passionate about is available to them is to help them develop their sense of connectedness to her cohort and authentic self. I’ve discussed these topics in my earlier How to Build Strong Women posts so, please feel free to take a few minutes to review them now. (I’ll wait for you.)

Our young women develop their beliefs and values based on their interaction with their world. These are values and beliefs about themselves, the world, their impact on others, and their capability. They develop their passion and interests based on these beliefs and values.

We know that there are a lot of distractions that are thrown at our young women. These distractions can also have a quite an impact on a young woman’s values and beliefs. Fortifying her sense of authentic self and connectedness to her group members will strengthen her resistance to these distractions and her resilience when she trips over them.

What our young women are searching for is what will allow them to improve their community in a way that feels fulfilling to them (inspired purpose). They want to inspire, advocate, nurture, educate, heal, and create. Many of them have been moved by music, the arts, helpers in their lives, and family members. They have been inspired, and they want to know that they are capable of embracing that part of life, too.

Be curious about their interests with them. Perhaps some of their interests will come and go; overall, this is appropriate for their development. What is important for this time is that you are teaching them to navigate the challenges that accompany seeking and engaging their sense of inspired purpose. Along the way, they might encounter any combination of failure, judgment, criticism, and hardship. They will benefit from your guidance and confidence when they feel like giving up or wonder if this really what they want. Our young women will learn from you that they have the perseverance and strength to reach their inspired purpose.

Sometimes our young women aren’t quite sure what inspires them; they aren’t in touch with their skills. Sometimes this has to do with their sense of authentic self, at times it has to do with fear, and sometimes it has to do with their ability to feel satisfaction. If you are concerned about your young woman’s ability to access her skills, interests, motivation, and passion don’t worry by yourself. Give me a call and let’s talk about it.

 

Love and Be Loved,

Natalie

How to Build Strong Young Women (Part III)

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How to Build Strong Young Women (Part III)

Earlier, I mentioned the idea of an Authentic Self and its importance for sustained resilience throughout a young women’s development and into adulthood.  This part of her is what decreases her drive to search for outside validation and what helps her to find comfort and strength when she experiences rejection from others. With this tool, she can navigate her world, relationships, obstacles, and triumphs with much more confidence and stability.

“This sounds great!” you might be thinking. “I want my kid to have that.” So, how do I give that to her? Well, the earlier you start, the better, of course, but you can start doing these things that I will recommend at any age.

 

Step 1. Recapture the first moments you fell in love with her. Remember the earliest times when you first became aware of how overwhelmed by your love for her and your curiosity about her, your wish to keep her safe. This is a helpful step because it puts you back in touch with the part of her that is the vulnerable person she still is (in case things have gotten a bit tense between the two of you and it’s hard to access that) and it reminds you of the reservoir of love you hold for her. This step reminds you from which part of your intentions for her are coming. It can be easy to forget this when you find yourself in a power struggle with her, stuck in fear, and out of sync with the important young woman in your life.

When she feels your in-loveness with her, she will be more in touch with her self-worth (self-respect and confidence), which is crucial for healthy development.   

 

Step 2. Trust yourself and your instincts. Sometimes this is asking a lot. If you have been going through a lot with your young woman, and you feel like your family has been through the wringer, it can feel like you have lost touch with yourself. You can begin to mistake your anxiety for your instincts. They’re still there, and it will take some practice regaining your ability to hear our voice again. If you feel like you need some guidance here, call or email me, and I can provide further assistance.

When you trust yourself, you are less afraid, overall, and you can make more reasonable decisions. When you are less afraid, she feels safer with you, and she is less afraid of her world. She begins to trust herself. When she trusts herself, she does not need as much outside validation and does not feel as driven to seek approval at any cost.

 

Step 3. Be curious. The young woman is going through a lot right now. So are you. Be curious about her patterns and decisions, but don’t draw any quick conclusions from minimal information. Don’t be afraid to ask her questions about what you see or what concerns you. Be curious about your thoughts, reactions, and responses to her. There is power in curiosity, but we tend to lose that power once we become reactive. As she experiences your curiosity, she will strengthen her own and gain comfort in sitting with the unknown while she figures things out for herself, rather than reacting impulsively.

 

Step 4. Set reasonable and compassionate limits. It’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and start rattling off shortcomings and consequences to the young woman in your life. This results in feelings of resentment, shame, and a wish for some rewind button. If you’re not used to slowing yourself down, it can be hard to get it going at first, but all you need to do is start with being aware. You’ll get it. Ok, so slow yourself down a little, then take control of the situation. Remember that you’re the parent, and you set the pace. If there needs to be a consequence of an action you don’t have to come up with one on the spot. You can give yourself time to think of something that makes sense for the situation and come back to it. Many of the parents I see don’t realize that they can give themselves this option and when they try it, they feel freedom.

If it’s a conversation that you want to end, it’s ok to end it. You don’t have to keep going around in circles. If you don’t think it’s a productive conversation anymore, it’s ok to take a break. You can be both loving and respectful while still holding firm boundaries. This teaches her that she doesn’t have to let others walk all over her to have a relationship. It teaches her to make and respect her boundaries while respecting others’ boundaries.

 

Step 5. Make room for both success and failure. She can’t always succeed, and she won’t always fail. She’ll need to learn how to manage both. Many parents are afraid to celebrate their child’s successes out of fear that they will become over-identified with them, entitled, or unable to deal with failure. This is understandable, but minimizing success is not a way to teach failure-management. The idea is to be curious about both. Why was she successful here? How does it feel when she is successful? It’s ok to praise her experienced success. The same goes for her failure. What made for the failure? How does it feel to have failed? It’s also ok to offer condolence and encouragement. She will take these lessons and reference them. She will remember that both success and failure happen and that neither defines her.

 

Step 6. Ask for help. If you would like more clarification regarding these steps, do not hesitate to ask me for help. Asking your support system for help takes the burden off of you and provides more balance. It shows the young woman that, instead of suffering alone, she can increase her capability by asking for help when she needs it. It puts her in touch with her resourcefulness.