Showing all posts tagged intimacy

When You Want to Improve Communication

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When You Want to Improve Communication

How often do you say something that you intend as curious, supportive, or at the least, innocuous only to find that the receiver of your message has taken offense? Maybe you’ve been on both sides of this communication mishap. And how often do you ask (or are asked by someone else) a cryptic question? Those questions that we use to communicate because we’re too afraid to say what we mean or ask what we really want to know.

They can make us crazy- “How do I look?” “This soup I made today is tasteless.” “Are you going to do the dishes or do you want me to?” All of these questions and statements can hold a lot of different meanings. They can also be easily interpreted in a lot of different ways. Getting lost in the meaning is a bit of a pitfall.

Take a look at this example couple to see if you can spot any similarities in your relationship:

(Background- Kim wants to spend some alone time with Kelly because they have been busy with work and various engagements.)

Kim: “Do you have any plans this weekend?”

Kelly: “Not yet although, I thought it might be fun to go to the beach for a barbeque.”

Kim: “Oh, mm-hm. Would you want to invite anyone or would it be just us?”

Kelly: “ I don’t know. Maybe. I guess we could invite Sharon and Dieter. We haven’t seen them in a long time.”

Kim: “Mm, that’s true. Ok, well, whatever you want.”

Kelly: “Did you want to do something different?”

Kim: “…I don’t care.”

Pretty classic. Kim isn’t saying what she wants; she’s fishing. Kelly either a) doesn’t understand Kim’s code, b) would rather she communicate clearly and is modeling that for her, or c) is also speaking in code! Whatever the case, when we left this couple in the middle of their conversation, it didn’t look like they were headed in a positive direction. Who knows where it could end up- a fight or argument, a mismanaged conflict.

If Kim had said something like, “I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve spent time just the two of us. I miss you. Want to hang out alone together this weekend?” she would have been clear and honest about what she is looking for. It directly communicates her feelings and intention.

Sometimes we’re looking for validation, support, approval, and connection. Maybe we’re feeling ignored, insecure, resentful, or hurt. Other times, we are genuinely seeking information from someone. Our tone, facial gestures, and body posture help to communicate where we are coming from; this provides useful information for one another. Still, sometimes we can find ourselves in this trap. Saying what we mean and asking forthcoming questions is a simple and powerful technique that we can use to improve our communication. When we do this often enough, we provide more stability and connection in relationship.

Of course, there are still plenty of times when sending cryptic messages is a lighthearted way to play. One of the most important types of awareness we can have is awareness of our intention. If we know we’re not feeling playful and resourced, it’s probably best to be as direct and honest as possible.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Patterns of Fighting, Arguing, and Conflict

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Patterns of Fighting, Arguing, and Conflict

Most of us agree that relationships can be an exceedingly rewarding part of life. Most of us agree that they can also be a lot of work. There are differences to navigate, conflicts to negotiate, and emotions to be aware of and manage. By now, we understand that it takes cooperation, compromise, and empathy to get a stable start to a fruitful relationship.

We make so many choices when we’re in relationship although, sometimes, we’re not aware of what we’ve chosen and why… or that we were given any choice at all. This thread is found in a good number of the issues that couples bring to me. Somewhere along the way, people start feeling stuck.

One of the most common, basic choices we make in relationships is how we respond to one another. We are constantly negotiating offers for connection with others. Here are some ways people respond to one another. See which style is most common in your relationship(s).

The most ideal (because it is most supportive and has the best outcome) is when we accept bids for connection or “turn toward.” This happens when someone asks us a question, makes a comment, displays communicative behavior and we react in a positive way. If someone reaches out to you for a high-five, you high-five them back. If your partner says, “I want to start working out more and eating healthier,” you say something like, “That’s a good idea! I feel better when I do.” People feel more supported in relationships where turning toward one another is a common practice.

Another and less ideal way of responding to another’s attempt at connection is in rejection or “turning against”. This happens when defensiveness, blame, or criticism is used. If you were to respond in this way, it would look something like this:

Them: “I want to start working out more and eating healthier.”

You: “Whatever. You say that all the time and you never do it. You should either do it or stop talking about it.” Couples who practice this generate a lot of hostility and resentment, two qualities that make it tough for a supportive, connected relationship to thrive.

The third way to respond to someone’s bid for connection is ignoring or “turning away.” It happens when one partner meets the other with silence or an unrelated comment/question. This particular pattern is the most destructive and puts couples on a fast track to breaking up. Unresponsiveness breeds resentment, defensiveness, blame, and eventually, hopelessness. An example of turning away would look something like this:

Them: “I want to start working out more and eating healthier.”

You: “…hey, do you remember the name of that guy we ran into last night?”

It could also look like silence while you’re staring at an electronic device or book.

At first, most people try a few more attempts at connecting. Eventually (especially when couples are headed for divorce), people stop making attempts.

Those of you who learned supportive communication skills early in life have lucky companions. For those of you who didn’t learn (or refine) your skills early on, well, you can learn at any age.

Here’s something to try which will promote an increase in turning toward- learning how to listen. There are a few key elements of listening in the most active, positive, supportive way:

-Focus on being interested in and curious about what the other person is saying, feeling, expressing

-Ask questions about what they thinking, feeling, experiencing

-Look for similarities you share with one another (Empathy fast-tracks connection.)

– Give them your undivided attention- don’t try to listen while playing with your phone, reading an article, watching T.V., etc.

-Suspend or let go of your agenda. We can’t listen to the best of our ability when we are preoccupied with our points of argument, feelings, and experiences.

Sometimes executing these things is trying. We might get scared that we’re not going to get our say in the matter or that we’re going to feel taken advantage of or taken for granted. Interestingly, couples who practice turning against and turning away report feeling this way while couples who practice turning toward report a decrease in such feelings.

Relationships can be difficult enough when we are on the same team. They feel nearly impossible when we pit ourselves against one another.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Deepen Your Relationship in Conflict

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Deepen Your Relationship in Conflict

A few days ago, I came across various articles warning readers about what not to say to different groups of people- what not to ask women, what not to say to new parents, what not to ask an older male divorcee, what never, ever to ask (fill in the blank). I decided to investigate these articles further so that I might be able to understand the messages. After reading them, it seemed that the message to readers was pretty clear. The authors hoped that their words would preclude people from offending each other, sounding stupid, or both.

Overall, I appreciated this sentiment. I don’t like to see people get their feelings hurt either. But the more I thought about the authors’ collective message, the more I couldn’t help but get the feeling that there might be an even deeper message, a message that communicated danger in being curious.

As a therapist, I see a lot of people who want to learn how to manage conflict in a more productive way so that they can have the relationships, careers, and lives they want. A lot of learning how to manage conflict is a) learning how to manage one’s emotions, b) learning about the language one uses to communicate (and what it says about them), and c) curiosity about another’s experience. We are in conflict in every way, every day. Conflict is simply variation. We all manage (and mismanage) conflict every day, sometimes without realizing it.

When I hear people urging others out there to clam up and not ask specific questions, I hear them asking for people not to communicate their curiosity. It sounds as though they are suggesting that the antidote to conflict is a closed mouth. Of course, that isn’t the intention; I know that. But a lot of relationship wounds happen unintentionally.

Which brings me to… intention. When you are managing conflict, it’s important to pay attention to intention, both your own and another person’s. If another person’s intention is unclear to you, it’s a great idea to ask them. If it seems like they’re trying to make you feel uncomfortable, provoke you, etc., the conversation will probably feel like more of an attack and their questions might feel more threatening or offensive. Most people don’t want to oblige people’s questions when they feel threatened. But what if someone is genuinely curious about your experience? Then how do you feel about questions?

What if the thirty-something single working mom wants you to ask the questions that you have about her life so that she can broaden your understanding, feel a little less isolated, and deepen her connection to you? Obviously, the first step is to ask if you can ask. Second, be respectful and non-critical if she doesn’t want to answer certain questions. I imagine that part of what went into creating these lists of what not to ask who is the notion that there are times when it’s tough to be and feel vulnerable, that we need to respect this in one another.

Take some time right now to think about questions that might be on your “questions never to ask me” list. How did they get on that list? What does it mean to you when someone asks you these questions? Does age, gender, sexuality, privilege, economic status factor in? If so, how? What feeling is evoked when someone asks you or when you think about someone asking you these particular questions? What would you like to avoid by avoiding said questions?

I’m reasonable. I get that it might feel surprising (and maybe a little jarring) to be asked certain questions by strangers or those with whom you are not close, no matter how pure the intention. I’m not advocating for intrusiveness. But it seems like there is a lot of “never ask this!” advice for friends and family and I think it’s such a disservice to intimacy and connection! Most humans want to understand and be understood by one another.

 

Love and Be Loved,

Natalie

More Tips for Managing Conflict in Relationship

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More Tips for Managing Conflict in Relationship

Every so often, I find it useful to review a definition of terms with my clients. The clarification helps to illuminate more understanding (of the client’s self and their experience) and the most relevant strategies for moving forward. It’s a kind of connect-the-dots approach.

With that in mind, let’s review the difference between Compassion, Empathy, and Sympathy. Having Compassion for someone means that you have feelings of sensitivity toward them. It means that you appreciate the person’s experience without understanding and without attempting to understand what they are going through. Having Empathy for someone means that you not only have an appreciation for what someone might be experiencing but that you also understand and identify with what they are going through. If you have Sympathy for someone, it means that you pity or feel sorry them.

Most often, when we are talking about relationship dynamics (any relationship), we hear that Empathy is a rewarding way to interact. It’s pretty clear why so many of us recommend establishing Empathy in relationship. Mutual understanding fosters trust, appreciation, and connectedness between people.

When you approach people, relationships, and experiences with Empathy you create a space of safety and openness. When people experience you as safe and open, they feel more comfortable. They are less likely to feel and act defensively and much more likely to respond to you in a calm and positive way.  (Honestly, who doesn’t want to feel that their experience is appreciated and understood?)

Engaging Compassion is also positively impactful. While it’s not as powerful as Empathy (because it lacks a deeper understanding), it promotes a similar sense of safety within the relationship. I like to think of it as a useful starting point on the way to Empathy.

Sympathy is the least useful emotion since it involves no understanding, no attempt to understand, and no appreciation of an other’s experience. It connotes a kind of unilateral relationship between the sympathizer and the sympathizee. There is not much safety, openness, and connection where there is sympathy or pity. Often, Sympathy can create feelings of resentment in the sympathizee.

When you are feeling Empathic, you have less energy and room for irritability, indifference, and defensiveness. Difficult discussions are smoothed by this empathic, open, and safe space. Whether you are bringing a difficult topic to the discussion table or someone has approached you with something, the more empathy you employ, the more comfortable you will be as you work on the task.

At this point, I usually hear something like, “I need empathy, too. I don’t want to be the only one providing empathy here. What about them?!” And I get it. I don’t like my efforts of Empathy to go unmatched, either. They’re often not.Taking the initiative to create a safe place for connection is almost always reciprocated.

Some people might take a little longer than others to meet you with Empathy. Give it some time. On another hand, being the one to set the tone with Empathy also gives you the freedom and flexibility to try another approach as needed.

I’m curious to hear about how this works for you. Let me know so that we can talk about it!

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Get Along Better and Enjoy Your Relationship

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Get Along Better and Enjoy Your Relationship

What was the last vacation you took? When was it? For some of you, it’s probably been a while since your last chunk of time off.

When you’re on vacation with your significant other, what feels different between you two? Do you feel more connected? Does laughter seem to come more easily? Do you feel more playful?

Time away from your daily responsibilities can have that impact. You feel more refreshed, resourced, and balanced. Extended vacations, micro breaks, and anything in between is important for health and sustainability. Staggering down time in between work time is a significant part of optimal productivity.

Most of us have felt the surge of renewed strength and ideas after coming back from a much-needed break. Do you remember the way your body, mind, and spirit seemed to shift thrill-seeking on that outdoor adventure vacation, luxuriating in a tropical paradise, site-seeing through Bulgaria? Whatever your last vacation included, did it seem like food tasted better, steps felt lighter, and even the future seemed more hopeful? A change of scenery can help to change perspective significantly.

With this in mind, let’s talk about taking “vacations” in your relationship. I’m not talking about a hall pass. I’m referring to the incorporation of playfulness, new ideas, and a break from the routine in your relationship. The same idea behind giving yourself some time away from the daily grind can be applied to your relationship. Mix it up! Experience new ways of having fun and relaxing together. It’s great for connection.

To do this, you don’t have to have impressive financial resources. You don’t need many resources at all, for that matter, just some imagination and intentionality. Some couples like to plan weekly dates for one another, trading off weeks. Some like to orchestrate treasure hunts for one another. Maybe you want to bring a little something special to each day of the week. Monday is foot rub day. Tuesday is game night. You get the idea. The point is to integrate playfulness into your relationship to provide respite from the constant responsibility, to give your relationship a hearty belly laugh so that each of you can maintain a strong connection to one another through the ebbs and flows.

Providing fun for one another, a chance for laughter and levity can also help each of you to share new things with one another, to learn about the others’ different ways of being, different traits that you have not yet experienced. This keeps things exciting! Playfulness is an effective combatant against the tendency to fall into a rut, the predictable, the mundane.

So, shake things up! Go somewhere new. Talk about something new. Play a new game. Talk about or try something new sexually. Engage in some new experience with one another and see where it takes you! The element of surprise in these fresh encounters will feel like a cool sip of something delicious.

While we might not be in a position to take exciting luxury vacations as often as we’d like, we can bring a type of luxury and rejuvenation to our relationships. Let me know how you decide to incorporate playfulness and ingenuity into your relationship. I’m curious!

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Improve Your Active Listening and Communication Skills in Relationship

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Improve Your Active Listening and Communication Skills in Relationship

Have you ever been in conversation with someone and you get the feeling that, for some reason, you’re just not connecting with one another? One of you explains something to the other and frustration continues to build. What’s happening? Sometimes it can be difficult to pinpoint a discernable problem which can compound any frustration.

Sometimes it’s best to start with the basics to see if you can figure out what went wrong. A fundamental element of dialogue is listening. So many of our conversations start to head off the rails because we’re not listening to each other.

It’s easy to see how this happens. Sometimes we’re sharing things about ourselves that require us to take risks and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Anxiety and fear can accompany this sharing, and it can translate into impatience. We might run into some of our insecurities, which can cloud our interpretation of what someone is saying. Other times we aren’t able to completely regard what someone is communicating because we are thinking of what we’re going to say next. We’re not connecting as fully as we could be. We get into arguments, experience sadness, and feel frustration, all of which could have been prevented if we had listened to what was being said.

Most of us have experienced “the strategist.” Or some of us might be the strategist! I’m talking about the role some people play during a conversation in which they can hear some amount of distress and respond by attempting to fix the problem. What often happens is this; the strategist’s conversational counterpart describes a situation or an experience that has caused or is causing discomfort. Usually, in the spirit of support, the strategist starts to troubleshoot the problem (“Have you tried this? What about that? You know, you should…”). They’re not present with the other person. They’re not listening as much as they are reacting.

We experience the most support and connection when someone empathically listens to us, someone who wants to know about our whole experience (thoughts, feelings, behaviors), someone who wants to understand how we are impacted. Sometimes it feels like a challenge. For instance, when we are in conflict with someone, we might feel a little bit tempted to defend ourselves, place blame, or think of our next response while they’re speaking. I understand the pull here, and it’s not worth it. It often leaves us feeling worse.

Try this. Next time you’re in a conversation, set aside any distractions (including any distracting thoughts) and listen to what the other person is saying about their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Resist trying to fix, defend, or explain anything. Allow the other person to communicate their experience and allow yourself to lend a robust ear. If you hear that frustration is a part of their experience, speak to it. If they sound overwhelmed, scared or confused, let them know you see this. If their feelings are a direct result of something you have done/not done or said, it’s ok. Do it anyway; all the better that you do. You don’t have to defend yourself or explain anything right now. Just listen and let them know that you are witnessing their experience.

See where this experiment takes you. See how you feel, how the other person responds to you. The benefits are undeniable. The more you do it, the more it works. Let me know how it goes!

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Fighting for Control in Your Relationship?

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Fighting for Control in Your Relationship?

This is something a lot of couples negotiate throughout their relationships. What one person feels is common courtesy, someone else might interpret as controlling. Finding a middle ground here can be a challenge.

A lot of people can agree on some basic common courtesies. Things like, calling to say you’ll be late for dinner if someone is expecting you to be home at a specific time, filling up the gas tank after you’ve used someone else’s car, and setting your phone, work, or television show aside while someone is talking to you are all generally considered basic accommodations. But what about the specifics?

 

Much of the difference between common consideration and exerting control in a relationship lies within the intention of both members. Sometimes people aren’t aware of their intentions, and that has a tendency to obscure things. The more empathy you have for yourself and your loved one, the easier it will be to discern your true intention.

 

It’s helpful for both of you to be clear about your preferences so that you know where you stand in relationship to one another. When you’re both clear and honest about how you’d like your relationship to look, it can take some of the angst out of things. Generally, relationships feel more manageable the more everyone is aware of specific expectations.

 

Let’s take an innocuous example from what are usually basic agreements between people. Say you and your partner are watching TV, and you remember something you’ve wanted to ask them. Let’s say that you two have already talked about this kind of thing. You know that, since this is your partner’s favorite TV show, if the matter requires substantial discussion, they would appreciate your patience and waited until the program is over. If your question isn’t so pressing, your partner wouldn’t mind a quick pause in viewing for a brief discussion.

 

If one (or both!) of you experiences the other as controlling, there might be less flexibility in this scenario. Perhaps you’re not concerned with which program is on and you feel that you should be able to ask your question immediately. Maybe your partner doesn’t want to engage in any conversation, regardless of brevity, while watching TV and will not engage with you.

 

If this is the case, it might mean that some unmet needs have set up shop in your relationship. The more unresolved conflict you have about certain issues, however significant, the higher the chance of resentment clouding the communication happening between one another. If you dread bringing this up for discussion with your partner, the chances are slim that the resentment will resolve itself. Resentment doesn’t care whether you’re the one in the relationship who feels controlled or the one who is being held responsible for exerting control; both sides feel angry that they’re not getting their needs met.

 

It’s easy to see how couples can become polarized on certain issues. When that happens, both people dig in their heels, and the last thing they would do is back down. Subjects that started out as a matter of common courtesy start to feel more like issues of control. You can find soothing relief when both of you share your experience of what feels courteous and what feels controlling.

 

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

 

Falling in Love- Again

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Falling in Love- Again

Feel like you need to reconnect? With the responsibility to work, family, chores, and any other commitments you have, it can be easy to find yourself spending less and less quality time with your partner. You feel tired, stressed, and stretched thin. You start to feel like you’re energy level allows you to merely flip on the T.V. and fall asleep in front of it. With this kind of pattern, your relationship can start to feel less rewarding. You want to feel closer, but you can’t seem to find the time.

While it’s great to share stories about your day, catch each other up on the latest who-did-what and your experiences, there are other, more intimate ways to ground your relationship than the standard “how was your day?” approach. Here are a few simple strategies that can yield increased positivity between you and yours.

After your long day, when you get home and see one another, initiate intentional physical contact with one another. Sometimes it might be in the form of a sustained hug and a kiss. Maybe other days it will be something more playful and light-hearted. Experiencing one another’s touch, smell, and physical proximity in this way is a powerful catalyst for reconnection.

Another impactful technique you can use is to let your loved one know how much you’ve missed them, thought about them, or how glad you are to see them. Saying the words, “You’re home! I missed you today,” or “ Oh my gosh, I’m so glad to see you,” can express to your partner the appreciation you have for them, the warmth you feel, and your desire to feel close. What they can experience after hearing those words is powerful- an experience of being nurtured, wanted and held. (And who doesn’t love feeling that?!)

Eye contact is another simple way to reground yourselves in your relationship. During an embrace, gazing into one another’s eyes can heighten the feeling of intimacy at that moment. Talking with one another about your day, how glad you are to be home with one another while making eye contact engages more of your whole self. So much can be communicated through eye contact- their appreciation for you, your need for support, mutual admiration, and so many other feelings. This can strengthen the connection between you and allow both of you to feel more held in the relationship.

Set aside technology at some point during the evening. Agree to an amount of time if you wish 20, 45, 60 minutes- whatever seems feasible, and turn off your T.V.; silence your phones, tablets, computers, and other devices you have. Turn them over or put them in the next room and focus on one another. We compromise our connection and ability to be present with one another when we split our attention. Sure, multitasking has its place, and that place is not between you and your partner as you spend quality time together.

These are just a few strategies that you can put toward reigniting the intimate connection between you and your partner. Maybe you can’t find more time, but with a few tweaks here and there, you’ll see that you can make some. And a little quality time can go a long way.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

Reduce Arguments, Yelling, and Fighting in Your Relationship

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Reduce Arguments, Yelling, and Fighting in Your Relationship

Why do we get into arguments and why do we continue engaging them once we’ve recognized they’ve begun? Most of the time, we don’t aim to argue when we enter into a discussion. In fact, a lot of us might say that they just seem to happen; as though independent of us or our involvement, arguments mysteriously happen. Luckily for us, arguments don’t just spring out of nowhere, and we can manage them in an effectively.

Don’t get me wrong; there are venues in which it’s an asset to don a steely arguing style. This kind of arguing has no place in our intimate relationships. Better save that for when you’re fighting for social justice.

When we’re arguing with someone, we love it’s most likely because both members were trying to be heard, seen, and understood. Somewhere during the conversation, we felt that our needs weren’t being met, we became frustrated, and our need to be right took over.

What we’ve begun to do- yell, blame, self-defend, none of it will be helpful to our connection with our loved one. It’s alienating and will take us further from our goal of connection and mutual understanding. As soon as we’re aware that we are stepping into or have already begun engagement in an argument, we need to pause. It’s helpful for us to think about what we were trying to communicate to our partner(s) at the start, before the yelling, before the detours.

Then, it’s helpful for us to be mindful of our voice. Lowering our tone and slowing our cadence begins to calm us and allows for our loved one(s) to calm. This gives us all some space to breathe, think about, and listen to what’s being said instead of enduring rapid fire. Do you notice that you’re talking over one another? Yeah, not a lot gets heard that way. Let’s make sure everyone is given their time to speak. Respect one another’s voice. If someone jumps in and starts talking over someone else, it’s ok to say something like, “Wait a minute, I’m not done,” or whatever you feel represents you.

Stay away from accusation and fabrication or hyperbole. Now is not the time for us to be critical or exaggerate about anything.

It’s also helpful for us to keep ourselves compassionately curious. Engaging our compassionate curiosity allows us to wonder about our loved one. Where are they coming from? What must they be feeling and why? What was their expectation and how is it different from what is presently happening? This encourages us to feel empathy for our loved one. It’s much less challenging to interact in a calm, respectful way that is easy to understand when you are coming from a place of compassion and empathy.

Once we’ve connected to our empathy, we can think about admitting our mistakes. Taking responsibility for any wrong-doing cleans up our side of the street and helps decrease any resentment experienced on the other side.

As the tension de-escalates and we ground ourselves, we have the energy to put toward respecting our partners’ opinions, experiences, and feelings, however, different from our own.

Once we’ve reached an agreement or tabled the discussion, it’s a great idea to exercise our humility with the proceedings and outcomes, whatever they are. We’re on the same team as our loved ones, remember? The objective is to feel more connected to and understood by one another, not alienated and distant. When we think about arguments in such terms, we allow ourselves to see that we’ve been misidentifying our actions when we refer to “winning an argument.”

Love and Be Loved,

Natalie             

Cultivating Emotional Connectedness in Your Relationships

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Cultivating Emotional Connectedness in Your Relationships

How often do you find yourself thinking, “We’re just not as close as I wish we were,”? You might have this wish about any relationship, a partner, a friend, a family member.  When you don’t feel as connected as you’d like to be to someone you love, it can feel destabilizing and incredibly dissatisfying. If you’ve had this particular conversation with said loved one, expressing your desire to be more connected and you’re still not experiencing the closeness you desire, it can begin to feel hopeless.

Sometimes the two of you can have conversations about this that feel helpful. It allows you to feel that you’re working together to shift this, to deepen the relationship. Other times, you feel as though your conversations go nowhere and you’re on your own. You’re both dissatisfied with the level of emotional connectedness, but it feels as though the other member of your relationship is unwilling to put in the work.

Whichever less-than-ideal situation you find yourself, there are things you can do to empower yourself which will help you to take active steps toward cultivating the emotional connected you seek.

An important place to start is by showing up for yourself. Showing up for yourself allows you to feel self-supporting, nurtured, and in touch with your resilience. This might look different for each person, but there are some basics. Taking care of your health is an essential target that many people miss. Balancing the time you need for sleep, exercise, work, and play doesn’t always feel like a choice. It helps if you look at how you choose to spend your days. Whether you are going to school, pursuing a dream of starting your own business, or working two or three jobs. Ask yourself if this is your choice. If it’s not then the next question you might want to ask yourself is “why am I doing this?” If you answered, “because I have to,” take some time to check in with yourself about why. Most of us have more choices than immediately occur to us. Showing up for yourself also looks like employing thoughtful and nonreactive self-advocacy when you don’t like the way you are being spoken to or treated. You can show up for yourself by being protective of your time and ensuring that you provide down time for yourself. Showing up for yourself also means not taking on more in a relationship than you what you genuinely feel comfortable. This means emotional, financial, household, and any other type of responsibility. When you show up for yourself you are less likely to martyr yourself in relationship, more likely to show up fully for others, and less likely to experience feelings of resentment.

A second strength you can exercise to cultivate emotional connection is finding compassionate curiosity in yourself about the other person. Why does this person do what they do, say what they say, react the way they react? What is their experience in their relationship with you? You’ll notice that I put the words “compassionate” and curiosity” right next to one another. This curiosity is something that will benefit you and your quest the more genuine it is so, be sure to practice it freely and often. Ask your loved one how they experienced what you’ve just said that’s gotten them so upset. Allow yourself to be open to their feelings. This isn’t the time to defend yourself; you want to know why they’re upset, not how you can get yourself off the hook. I get that it can be difficult to feel compassionately curious about anything when you’re arguing with someone or engaged in an escalating conversation. Try it out when you are feeling calm or only mildly irritated. When you allow yourself to be genuinely and compassionately curious about someone you love the conversation can become about understanding and less about arguing and yelling over one another.

Another great way to work toward emotional connectedness is by exercising active listening. (This can also be used while you are compassionately curious!) When you are actively listening to someone with whom you are trying to build your emotional connection, you are not seeking convenient places to jump in to argue your case, set up your next defense, or find inconsistencies in their statements. You are trying to find out how they are feeling, what they are thinking, what their experience is, and what has caused them to think, feel, and experience these things. How can you find out this valuable information when you are preparing what you’re doing to say next? (The answer is: you cannot.) You want this person to hear you, right? They want you to hear them, too. Start by slowing down these interactions and give them your full attention. It will catch on.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie