Understanding and Accepting Sexuality

Natalie Mills San Francisco Psychotherapy and Coaching, San Francisco Counseling, San Francisco Therapy, San Francisco CA Therapists, San Francisco CA Therapist, San Francisco CA Couples Counseling, couples therapy san francisco ca, couples therapist san francisco ca, San Francisco Marriage Therapy, San Francisco Marriage Counseling, San Francisco Coaching, EMDR therapists in San Francisco, EMDR therapist in san Francisco ca, EMDR therapy in San Francisco CA, psychologist in san francisco, female psychotherapist san francisco, psychotherapist in san francisco, marriage and family therapist in san francisco, relationship therapy in san francisco, help with intimacy therapy san francisco, help with intimacy San Francisco, parenting issues san Francisco therapy, help for depression in san francisco, depression treatment san francisco, anxiety treatment san Francisco, help for anxiety san francisco, addiction treatment San Francisco, alcoholism treatment san francisco ca, help with substance abuse san francisco, eating disorders, help with anorexia san francisco, help with bulimia san francisco, help with binge eating disorder san francisco, learning self-care, EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, self-compassion therapy san francisco, family therapy san francisco, eating disorder therapist in San Francisco ca, eating disorder specialist san francisco, pre marital therapy san francisco, couples therapy san francisco, couples therapist San Francisco, pre marital counseling san francisco, recovering from an eating disorder san francisco, help with eating disorder san francisco, treatment for anorexia san francisco ca, treatment for bulimia san francisco ca, treatment for binge eating san francisco ca, addiction treatment san francisco ca, treatment for substance abuse san francisco, eating disorder treatment San Francisco, mental health san francisco, mental health therapist san francisco, mental health professional san francisco, healing from shame san francisco, recovering from infidelity san francisco ca, career counseling san francisco, trauma recovery san Francisco therapy ca, trauma treatment san francisco ca, mental health support in san francisco, treatment for shame san francisco, secual abuse specialist san francisco ca, treatment for sexual abuse san francisco therapy, trauma treatment San Francisco, PTSD therapist in San Francisco ca, therapy for PTSD in San Francisco ca, trauma specialist san francisco, PTSD specialist san francisco, treatment for obsessive compulsive disorder san francisco ca, anger management therapy san francisco, stress management therapy san francisco, help with communication san francisco, performance enhancement coaching san francisco, attachment-based therapy san francisco, attachment-based therapist san francisco, mindful meditation therapy san francisco, sex therapy san francisco, sex therapist san francisco, sexuality specialist therapy san francisco, treatment for sexual abuse san francisco, psychospiritual therapy san francisco ca, grief therapy san francisco ca, feminist therapy san francisco, treatment for Narcissistic personality disorder san francisco, treatment for borderline personality disorder san francisco, marriage counseling san francisco, attachment-focused therapy san francisco, internal family systems therapy san francisco, internal family systems therapist in san francisco, choosing a therapist in san francisco, choosing the right therapist in san francisco, how to choose a therapist san francisco, find a therapist in san francisco, female therapist in san francisco, finding the right therapist san francisco, ethical non-monogamy affirming therapist in san francisco ca, ethical nonmonogamy affirming therapist in san francisco ca, polyamory affirming therapist san francisco ca

Remember that movie with the scene of a guy watching porn- his wife comes in, he seems embarrassed, and she yells at him? Yeah, you’re right. It does sound like a lot of scenes from a lot of different movies.

Humans seem to be engaged in a common conversation centered on our sexuality, mainly expressing that those of us who are connected to it are weasels and those of us who aren’t are honorable leaders in virtue. In most of these movies, the guy assumes responsibility for his transgression and tries to win his way back into his wife’s good graces. His wife wraps herself in support of her friends who completely understand that his act is punishable. How dare he express his sexuality!

I have been waiting for years to see a new response to this wearisome scene. Maybe the man’s partner comes in and starts watching it with him, and they have a conversation about it. Maybe they discover all sorts of information about one another, fantasies, desires, talents… who knows?! Maybe they both realize that they have more in common than they thought, but were too afraid to find out. One thing’s for sure, though; nothing shuts down the possibility of exploring new territory with someone like shaming.

Some people experience fear and hurt when they imagine their partner watching porn or masturbating. They see the browser history on the computer and feel slighted. It can be hard to feel open and curious when we feel insulted. It seems easier for us to lean on defensiveness and close ourselves off.

Let’s stop and think for a minute. What is it about others’ sexuality that spurns us so much? Is there something about how it relates to our sexuality that causes us to feel insecure, unworthy, or defective? Why? And what can we do to address this?

When we slow down and allow ourselves to be curious about why someone else’s expression of their sexuality bothers us, our discomfort becomes an opportunity for connection. That’s what we want, right? We want to feel more connected to our partners. We want a felt sense of safety and acceptance. To cultivate this, we have to do our part, which means not reacting impulsively to our fear, hurt, and anger.

“But my partner watches porn with group-sex scenes. I don’t want to have group sex…” There is an endless supply of porn that caters to any fetish, curiosity, preference, and tendency imaginable. Sometimes people who watch porn want to act out what they see and sometimes they don’t. There are plenty of queer-identified people who enjoy watching straight porn, but not straight sex. Likewise, there are a lot of people who are into queer porn but aren’t into queer sex.

There are as many reasons for why we like to watch certain types of porn as there are different genres of porn. How will we learn what we want to know about our partners’ reasons if we don’t ask? The answer we get might be a delicious surprise.

Love and Be Loved,
Natalie

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